If there is one thing I’ve learned so far from Kirstie Alley’s Big Life (the actress’ new reality show on A&E chronicling her weight loss journey) it’s that fabulous hair (big, blonde extensions with loads of curls) and impeccable makeup make you look really attractive and hide the vag-arms with ease. Seriously, notice how her hair hides the vag arms in EVERY publicity shot. Genius. This is mental note #1 for the bikini shoot in June.

Note the placement of the hair over the vag-arms. Genius!

Let’s be frank – Kirstie Alley is the one who made the “I’m going to pose in a bikini to force myself to get skinny” weight loss trick that @fatroll employs chic. Unfortunately, she only posed once in said bikini, which is probably one of the reasons why she gained all the weight back. So, even though the weekly weigh-ins and ultimate weigh-in cruelty for us @fatroll girls is painful, it’s better than gaining the weight all back. Complacency is the #1 killer of weight loss programs!

So I’ve watched the first episode of Big Life (you can watch it by clicking here) and it was a “scripted” recap of her weight journey and her “Tipping Point” to losing weight – not fitting into a New Year’s Eve dress and being photographed by the paps at an unflattering angle. Although, one would argue that the real Tipping Point was when she signed a deal to have cameras in her home to record her “scripted” tipping points. Clearly, that part wasn’t total reality, but instead sets a bad precedent for the rest of the series – and highlights the problem with reality shows in general.

So here is my pros and cons list on why you should watch the show, and a few storytelling tactics to be aware of as you go along:

Pros:

*Her story appeals to so many of us that have had a life-long battle with losing the weight and then keeping it off. “It’s comes back a hella of a lot faster than it comes off.” I also learned that she used to do cocaine to keep off the weight. Apparently when she was trying to quit the cocaine and smoking, she replaced those drugs with food. Point being, there is a fine line with food – sustenance vs. addiction.

*Starting any type of nutrition/exercise program sucks for the first several weeks until you get the hang of it. She was worn out after only working out for seven minutes. Ugh, we’ve all been there.

*Kirstie’s witty one-offs making fun of her weight keep the show from being too depressing about having to lose 6.4 stones (the British way of measuring weight, which I loved! Divide your weight by 14 pounds and you get how much you weigh in “stones.” Yay – I only weigh 10 stones! I want to weigh only nine though) The show is almost like a visual version of @fatroll — having a good time while trying to lose weight.

Cons:

*Blaming the paparazzi for chronicling your weight gain/loss is no different than becoming a spokesperson for Jenny Craig or doing your own television show. What came first – the chicken or the egg? Both do taste good She put herself in a position to be constantly monitored no matter what. Yes, the tabloids are jerks, but don’t live in LA or go to restaurants that aren’t infested with paps.

*The first few episodes are clearly setting up her own weight loss program called Organic Liaison. Here’s my issue (and no, it has nothing to do with its reported ties to Scientology that Kirstie strongly denied late last week): the program isn’t proven yet. I am beyond hesitant to try something when I haven’t been shown that program participants both LOST the weight and then KEPT it off for a few years. Right now, the company’s only testimonials are of employees, friends and family who tested the products during the developmental phase. Not to be mean, Kirstie, but your children acting as testimonials to your product don’t count. But hey, you have to start somewhere, right? And organic food is such a smarter way to eat AND you can do it on the cheap if you play your cards right.

That said I wish her the best of luck with her weight loss and her new weight loss program. If the method is healthy and helps Kristie and others lose weight AND keep it off, rock on. Because at the end of the day, helping others achieve a healthy lifestyle through Kristie’s own journey is what matters the most.

You can watch the show on Sundays at 10/9c on A&E.

Photo courtesy of A&E.

I haven’t done this segment in ages, and what better time to jump start it than the re-design of @fatroll! I hope you guys like the new look — we definitely feel a lot more grown up now

So let’s chat about Kelly Osbourne. I suppose she burst on the scene as the adorable yet edgy daughter of Ozzy Osbourne in the MTV reality series “The Osbourne’s.”

I remember watching it in college, and while their family life seemed a tad over the top, many of the problems they faced were easily relate-able to things all families go through. Heck, none of us are perfect.

Unfortunately, the show was a bit trying on the family and both kids ended up in rehab for drug/alcohol abuse. And it was clear Kelly struggled with her weight throughout this time. I mean, come on? Who wouldn’t, right? And yeah, the camera probably added 10 pounds — and I bet she was just as thin as the average person. But in Hollywood, where a size 0 isn’t a 00 and so you’re fat, it’s enough to give anyone a complex.

Kelly Before

Kelly Now

And look at her now. I’ve always heard that dancing is a sick workout (I mean, you have to contort your body in all sorts of positions) and it is clear Kelly has adopted a lifestyle change. I just thought she looked like a healthy weight before. BUT you can tell she has a sparkle of self-confidence in her eyes in that second photo — which is pretty cool.

Does she look a little too skinny? Perhaps (you can’t ever win with the critics… geez) — but it sounds like she is watching what she puts in her mouth and working out. Although, this diet tip is complete BS.

‘A trick I’ve learned is to eat just a little bit of something that has no carbs and no sugar in it before you go to sleep because it keeps your metabolism going.

‘They say you should never eat before you go to bed, but I’ve found just having a tiny little snack  -  like half an apple or something like that  -  before you go to sleep really helps.’

Uh, news flash. An average “half an apple” is made up of nothing but sugar and carbs. Le sigh. Let’s hope she eats more than that each day.

Photos Courtesy of The Daily Mail

You may recall a few weeks ago, I did an analysis on singer Kelly Clarkson and her recent (or not so recent) weight gain.

I guess a week or so after I wrote that, she was featured on the cover of Self Magazine looking skinnier than her Idol days, despite the fact she was photographed earlier that month at a Good Morning America concert looking much bigger.

What followed was a botched attempt at damage control by the Self editor-in-chief, Lucy Danziger on the Today Show and Self’s blog network (thanks @maryamelia28 for flagging this a few weeks ago for us).

For a magazine that “promotes” confidence and looking your best no matter what, trying to justify Photoshop is absolutely ridiculous AND the reason why young girls (and people like myself) have such unrealistic expectations about what they should look like.

Read this contradicting piece of information from the editor herself:

Did we alter her appearance? Only to make her look her personal best. Did we publish an act of fiction? No. Not unless you think all photos are that. But in the sense that Kelly is the picture of confidence, and she truly is, then I think this photo is the truest we have ever put out there on the newsstand. I love her spirit and her music and her personality that comes through in our interview in SELF. She is happy in her own skin, and she is confident in her music, her writing, her singing, her performing. That is what we all relate to. Whether she is up or down in pounds is irrelevant (and to set the record straight, she works out and does boot-camp-style training, so she is as fit as anyone else we have featured in SELF). Kelly says she doesn’t care what people think of her weight. So we say: That is the role model for the rest of us.

So, if she truly exudes confidence, works out just as hard as anyone else featured in the magazine AND she doesn’t care what people think of her weight, why on earth did you not publish the original photo as-is? The editor also claims that the silk blouse she was wearing on the cover was quite unforgiving… then put her in something else!! How insulting that her “personal best” isn’t even really her.

Point being, you have a responsibility to your readers to truly advocate what you preach in your articles. Instead, you look like a bunch of hypocrites. The editor goes so far to say that she had her marathon finisher photo re-touched because she didn’t like the way her hips look. You just ran 26.2 miles, idiot. No one looks particularly glamorous after that. BE HAPPY IN YOUR OWN SKIN.  Also, be sure read the comments in her blog post where the editor gets ripped a new one by readers. It’s awesome.

And I’m not buying Self again.

A magazine I will be purchasing moving forward? Glamour because of its awesome portrayal of what is now known as the Page 194 Girl. Late last week, a 3×3 inch photo of a woman named Lizzie Miller was on page 194 in this month’s issue of Glamour and it set the blogosphere abuzz. Dressed only in underwear, this woman looks NORMAL. I don’t think I’ve seen a portrait like this since nude posing in the 18^th century. She has a pooch, her thighs aren’t the size of a Barbie – it’s incredibly refreshing to see a real woman photographed. And she’s smiling and beautiful.

Better yet, compare the comments in the blog post by Glamour’s editor to Self’s. It’s clear that women (and men) have had enough of ridiculous expectations of female beauty. And her appearance on the Today show was awesome, calling her appearance in Glamour “a game changer” for the industry.

Even classic supermodels like Cindy Crawford and photographers like Peter Lindbergh are sick of airbrushing, photoshopping and the like. In the September issue of Harper’s Bazaar, Crawford, Amber Valletta, Helena Christensen and Claudia Schiffer are all photographed without any retouching. Dang. That is true beauty. And really good photography – which seems to be lost since the advent of Photoshop.

So what is the lesson in all of this? Be proud of your body and don’t let anyone else tell you differently. Yes, if you need to lose weight – do it to be healthy, not to adhere to the ridiculous standards set forth by advertisers/publishing industry. You’ll spend too much time being unhappy and not enough time treasuring the gorgeous you.

Remember how skinny Kelly Clarkson was when she was on Idol almost seven years ago (yes, that was 2002… my sophomore year of college). I’m sure the pressure of being on a national TV show, then the expectations set on Kelly by her record label would be enough to keep me from putting two bites of lettuce in my mouth.

But like any girl who grows up in Texas, the call of southern cooking at times is too much. I can only imagine not being able to eat breakfast tacos for lunch, guacamole for a snack, fried something or other for lunch, chicken friend steak for dinner smathered with gravy. Maybe not all of those, but the lack of Tex-Mex in my diet would drive me mad. MAD.

So is it really any surprise that seven years and several albums later, Kelly has put on a few pounds? I’ll be the first to say, she was way too skinny back on Idol anyways. And in all honesty, the stupid papps probably photograph her from ridiculous angles, making it look like she is 160 pounds instead of the 130 she’s probably at. In the March issue of Us Weekly, Kelly talks about the rumors around a weight gain, lesbian tendancies (she has none), etc. And Glamour asks about whether or not Kelly’s pregnant and why we should even care in the first place

So the girl holds her weight in her stomach and around her face… I know a few people like that (cough cough, me). That said, the picture of Kelly from the first season of Idol is totally hot. And I’m not even a lesbian

Aidan from “Sex and the City” was such a hottie. Swoon. I mean, really Carrie? What were you thinking, cheating on him with Mr. Big? That episode still pisses me off. Aidan had lost all that weight from the previous season for you!!!

But Toula from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” knew what a package she was getting. She freakin’ lost her virginity to him, and pissed off the ‘rents in the process. She wasn’t the skinniest, most beautiful girl in the world, but Aidan fell for her anyway. That’s my favorite part — because you know, there are loads of hotties out there who are looking for more than just a skinny trophy wife. Right? RIGHT?!

Cut to a few years later (like, six) and gossip rags took notice when Toula (a.k.a Nia Vardalos) showed up to her press junket for new movie “Life in Ruins” about 40 lbs. lighter. She recently took to Anderson Cooper’s blog as a guest writer to ask “what’s the big fat deal?” Her writing humors me. Like this comment:

So, what exactly is up with my weight loss? I get hit with this awkward question daily and have answered it in press interviews, at the grocery store, at the newspaper stand… I hesitantly answer and am always met with the same response: the glaze-eye slack-jawed face. Because they don’t want to hear the truth: I had a blood sugar problem so my Doctor ordered me to lose weight, it was really hard but I did it through diet, exercise and it took a year. No one wants to hear the facts about weight loss. It’s simple. Take that bag of Doritos and throw it as far as you can. Now chase after it. Pick it up, do it again.

The mental image of myself doing that is so hilarious that I decided to photograph myself doing it (with pita chips). Unfortunately, it looked so ridiculous that I refuse to post it.

But seriously, her reasoning behind losing weight is one of the reasons I’m doing it. If you’re 10-15-20+ pounds overweight, it effects your health. And of course, I don’t want to diminish the point of Nia’s blog (and her movie) that overweight individuals aren’t beautiful, confident, sexy, Aidan-getters (I’m swooning again). And I’ll be the first to admit, the person I love more than anything quite often tells me how beautiful and wonderful I am, no matter what I look like. Which I love. But it also makes me complacient. Like, “Oh I’ll eat that bag of Doritos because you know what? Justin’s contractually obligated to me, so yum, Doritos.”

But right now, I’d rather be chasing it. Because my bag of doritos is a pair of size 26 Citizens of Humanity.* So thank Nia. You have served as a wonderful motivation tool for me. Lose some weight while keeping it funny.

*I reserve the right to change my mind on this pair.

Back in the day, I could sing Mariah Carey with the best of them. OMG, she was so beautiful, with her awesome curly hair, innocent girl appeal.

And then she ho’ed it up. I guess the transition started with Butterfly in the late 90s. She got a divorce and, in my opinion, started actually eating — a complete no-no in Hollywood. Actually, I love this quote from Lady Gaga, only because it proves that the people we see in magazines and on TV are not realistic, “It’s all about starvation — pop stars don’t eat.”

So with that in mind, let’s discuss the Emoooooocipation of Mimi (or MooMoo).  So, I don’t understand her at all. One minute she is photographed looking skinny as my grandmother (95 lbs. and apparently 5 lbs. overweight according to her); the next minute, she looks like a fat cow (i.e., me).

But I was thinking about it, and the problem is clear: she doesn’t wear bras, or at least doesn’t wear bras that support the HUGE boobs she’s packin’.

A great tip I’ve learned to hide my waist (or lack thereof) is a most excellent push-up bra. More importantly, a bra that has been fitted to my exact size. Boys, if you’re reading this, skip the next two paragraphs.

Women, read closely. I thought at my biggest, I was a 36D at Victoria’s Secret. I knew something was up when the saleslady tried to tell me I was a 34B. Drastic action was needed.  And I’m not alone in this confusion. Did you know that 8 out of 10 women wear the wrong bra size?! I’m putting Mariah in this category.

So I headed to Petticoat Fair, where I learned I was neither of those sizes. I was in fact a 34F. Yes, my jaw dropped too. But the second I put on the right bra size, my clothes suddenly fit better, buttons that did the horrid gape in the middle of the chest suddenly buttoned correctly– it was like my boobs were smaller and my waist was thinner! So if you don’t live in Austin, check out Nordstrom, where their fitting/bra sizing is a little bit more accurate and not designed for stick-thin supermodels with no boobs.

Mariah, if your people are reading this, please, for the love of all that is good in the world, wear better bras. You won’t get people like Perez Hilton over-analyzing your every weight fluctuation.

Update: Mariah just came out with a new single, which you can listen to here. You can also see the cover photo for her latest single, Obsessed. As you can see, the bra makes it look like she’s sagging some. She needs more support, which actually comes from the main strap — not your shoulder straps. In fact, a correctly fitted bra should only have the shoulder straps supporting 20% of your breasts, according to my fitter at Petticoat Fair. Seriously, Mariah. Better Bras.

I’ve decided to do a weekly posting dedicated to a different celebrity each week and their weight loss (or gain). Because let’s be honest, it’s much more fun to talk about others than yourself

The cover of the June 6 issue of People Magazine has been bothering me for a bit. I mean, Melissa Joan Hart was pretty hefty for her height (5ft. 2in.), and that swimsuit she wore last summer did not look good at all.

But now?! She’s like, a skinny bitch. And even worse, apparently she didn’t have any plastic surgery — she did it through nutrition and exercise.  Of course, I feel like People is usually full of crap — I mean, now it comes out that Britney lost all that weight through $300k worth of lipo and not hard work!

Apparently it took Melissa more than 14 months to get to this size, which leads some plastic surgeons to think she lost the weight without the help of a knife.

Best quote from a surgeon:

“I do not think that Melissa Joan Hart had any plastic surgery procedures to achieve her post-baby body. It looks to me like she did it through diet and exercise. I would advise her continue with the balanced diet and daily workouts. In addition to her routine I would add a breast lift in the future.”

LOL. I mean, let the woman enjoy her body a little bit before suggesting the breast lift?!

Feel free to send me names of other celebrities to roast/highlight. Thanks!