Out of Control Fatroll

Back in the day, I could sing Mariah Carey with the best of them. OMG, she was so beautiful, with her awesome curly hair, innocent girl appeal.

And then she ho’ed it up. I guess the transition started with Butterfly in the late 90s. She got a divorce and, in my opinion, started actually eating — a complete no-no in Hollywood. Actually, I love this quote from Lady Gaga, only because it proves that the people we see in magazines and on TV are not realistic, “It’s all about starvation — pop stars don’t eat.”

So with that in mind, let’s discuss the Emoooooocipation of Mimi (or MooMoo).  So, I don’t understand her at all. One minute she is photographed looking skinny as my grandmother (95 lbs. and apparently 5 lbs. overweight according to her); the next minute, she looks like a fat cow (i.e., me).

But I was thinking about it, and the problem is clear: she doesn’t wear bras, or at least doesn’t wear bras that support the HUGE boobs she’s packin’.

A great tip I’ve learned to hide my waist (or lack thereof) is a most excellent push-up bra. More importantly, a bra that has been fitted to my exact size. Boys, if you’re reading this, skip the next two paragraphs.

Women, read closely. I thought at my biggest, I was a 36D at Victoria’s Secret. I knew something was up when the saleslady tried to tell me I was a 34B. Drastic action was needed.  And I’m not alone in this confusion. Did you know that 8 out of 10 women wear the wrong bra size?! I’m putting Mariah in this category.

So I headed to Petticoat Fair, where I learned I was neither of those sizes. I was in fact a 34F. Yes, my jaw dropped too. But the second I put on the right bra size, my clothes suddenly fit better, buttons that did the horrid gape in the middle of the chest suddenly buttoned correctly– it was like my boobs were smaller and my waist was thinner! So if you don’t live in Austin, check out Nordstrom, where their fitting/bra sizing is a little bit more accurate and not designed for stick-thin supermodels with no boobs.

Mariah, if your people are reading this, please, for the love of all that is good in the world, wear better bras. You won’t get people like Perez Hilton over-analyzing your every weight fluctuation.

Update: Mariah just came out with a new single, which you can listen to here. You can also see the cover photo for her latest single, Obsessed. As you can see, the bra makes it look like she’s sagging some. She needs more support, which actually comes from the main strap — not your shoulder straps. In fact, a correctly fitted bra should only have the shoulder straps supporting 20% of your breasts, according to my fitter at Petticoat Fair. Seriously, Mariah. Better Bras.