Out of Control Fatroll

I’ve gotten Justin into regularly going with me to the sauna to essentially sweat out our problems (there is something incredibly therapeutic about sweating out toxins, life’s many problems in the confines of a 8×8 room).

Normally, people stay fairly quiet during their stint in the sauna because it’s hella hot, but some people use it as  the meditation/relaxation period after their workout.

Last night, not so much. I had never been around such a talkative bunch and the conversation that resulted from this experience is “Tales from the Sauna.” I have done no fact checking on the said statements and please don’t take them at face value, as I think some of these people weren’t the brightest bunch.

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Lady next to me: “Did you just finish swimming?”

Me: “No, I just like to relax and sweat it out.”

Lady: “Intense.”

Me: “Yep.”

Guy with long hair, big muscles and obnoxious necklace: “Do you still talk to John Doe [I don't recall the exact name] from high school? Man, that dude is a tool. He friended me on Facebook.”

Obviously not wanting to talk that much guy next to him: “No not really. Does your mom still live in the same house?” [I'm guessing with this question, the second guy hasn't seen the first guy since high school]

Guy with long hair, big muscles,etc.: “Yeah. Man, she was so happy to get all of the kids out fo the house, then she married this tool who had kids so she had kids all over again.”

Other poor chap: “Hmm…”

Guy who talks to much: “Yeah, this guy is a total loser. He doesn’t make good business decisions and he is broke all the time. My mom owes more on her house than she did in 1992 when she bought it!”

Guy who accidently makes a non-rhetorical statement: “Sounds like her other husbands.”

Guy who is airing way too much dirty laundry: “Yeah. This dude is 6 ft. 8 in. My Dad was 6 ft. 4 in. This guy has a beard. My dad had a beard. This guy’s last name is Wolferton, my dad’s last name is [can't remember, but obvious is some kind of animal]. She definitely has a type.”

Then we get into Martin Lawrence. Somehow the conversation shifts over to the fact Justin and I are just in there to steam and didn’t work out prior to entering the crypt.

Lady next to me: “So you guys really just came in her to steam?”

Me: “Yep.”

Lady next to me: “Me too. That’s why I’m wearing these heat track pants.”

Me: “So what is the benefit of wearing the pants?”

Lady next to me: “I lose more weight in my trouble areas.”

Skeptical me: “Huh.”

Loud mouth Wolf-man guy: “Yeah, I’ve lost 5 pounds in here before. Sometimes, I stay in here for an hour and start to see dots. And Martin Lawrence almost died wearing a heat suit while running.”

Me, with mouth wide open at this man who is sharing way too much to strangers: “Oh.”

Lady next to me: “Yeah, he was like training for Bad Boys III and got all fat and had to lose 20 pounds in a month. So he put on a heat suit and went for a run and knocked himself out.”

Stupid boy: “Yeah, Hollywood will do that to you.”

Justin: “Can we go now?”

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So I did look up the Martin Lawrence story and wanted to make a few clarifications. I don’t think he was 20 pounds overweight. This happened in 1999, and he was wearing several layers of clothing (not a heat suit thingy), which put him in a coma for three days. Clearly this was not for Bad Boys III. There is no Bad Boys III. And Bad Boys II wasn’t released until 2003.

Lesson for the day? Under no circumstances should you ever take advice from random people in the sauna.